Posts Tagged With: Humor

Flashback (Flash Fire?) Friday — Camp Cooking

There was a time when the members of the Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society did their cooking over open fires. Trout were spitted on forked branches or fried to a crisp in heavy cast iron pans and, when there were no fish (due to no fault of their own, of course), they cooked beans right in the can. Clean-up was easy; throw the pan in the fire until most of the crud had burned off, scrape it out with a stick, rub it down with a little oil and salt and put it away until next time. After a meal of beans, one simply licked off one’s spoon, wiped it on one’s trousers and threw the can into the woods. It was a smoky, dirty, manly way of doing things.

 

Times change, though, and so did conditions here at Fish in a Barrel Pond. Sleeping under the stars or in leaky canvas tents began to lose their allure and permanent camps were erected — wooden cabins, each holding six bunks and a wood stove but not much more. Each cabin had an attached lean-to which served as at least a dry place to stand and chop onions while smoky fires sulked in the rain, but some members of the Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society became too sophisticated for even these luxuries. A group of them began lobbying for actual indoor kitchens to be built, with wood stoves for cooking and sinks with running water, but other members urged caution in the face of these modern encroachments.

“What’s next, toilets?” they asked, “Why, before long we’ll have showers! Women and children are sure to follow!” Continue reading

Categories: Flashback Fridays | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

Unwanted Canadian Export

As the sun comes up this morning, the sky is as clear as clear can be. Not a cloud to be seen, unless you count the vapor of my breath — but it freezes quickly and falls to the ground as icy dust. Even the red stuff in my thermometer is seeking refuge, as the molecules of whatever-it-is drop toward the bulb at the bottom of the glass, huddling together in a shivering blob. Only the best thermometers will be giving any indications of temperature tonight. Some lucky people in these parts might even get to see that magic point where Farenheit and Celsius actually agree (in case you don’t own a really good thermometer, that would be 40 below zero).

I doubt cold air is covered in any trade agreement with our neighbors to the north (if it is, I demand to know what we are sending in exchange). I can’t think of any benefit to this mass of arctic air, this mind-jangling intrusion into a normally peaceful time of year. Unless, of course, its purpose is an increased appreciation of mud season and the blackflies of spring, but that’s kind of like hitting my thumb with a hammer because it will feel so much better when it stops hurting.

 I would like to reject this unwanted Canadian export outright — treat it like junk-mail and stuff the whole shebang into the postage-paid envelope and send it back. Let them deal with it. I don’t want it, don’t need it.

I read somewhere that there are something like 30,000,000 people within a day’s drive from here (half of New Jersey is already here, skiing and driving into ditches). That is a lot of people and if everyone would please take a few minutes this afternoon, let’s say just before kick-off, go outside, face north and blow just as hard as they can, it would be big help, I’m sure.

If that doesn’t work, I hate to say it but this may require Congressional action. E-mail your representatives immediately and demand they do something! Like swinging the doors of the Capitol Building wide open Monday morning so we can put all that hot air to good use.

Categories: Winter | Tags: , , , , | 6 Comments

In a Rut, But at Least I Have Crumpets

(If you stopped by hoping for a fishing story, perhaps you’ll enjoy this: “Fishing Hurts”)

It is easy to get stuck in a rut this time of year. The hours of daylight may be increasing but winter is just getting started and spring seems a long way off. Most years we get a bit of a break from the cold and snow when the “January Thaw” sets in and temperatures climb to above freezing for a few days but this brief warm spell is one gift horse I always look straight in the mouth.

Thawing means melting. Ice and snow change to water and dirt turns to mud. If that dirt happens to be a road, things can get interesting fast, especially with fuel trucks, UPS vans and people from other places driving back and forth. Most of the people from other places this year are from New Jersey, renting a house up the hill during ski season. I don’t know where they are headed four and five times a day — there just ain’t much to do in our little village — but up and down they go, making a real mess of things but mid-winter thaws are temporary. Cold weather returns and the road freezes again, leaving the rest of us to deal with the tracks those people made while we (wisely) stayed home.

Continue reading

Categories: Humor, Rural Life | Tags: , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Butt Wind

Sometimes it’s not what you say …

… it’s how you say it.

The sign at Singleton’s Store in Proctorsville means the same thing no matter how you say it.

Categories: Humor | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Shortest, Darkest Day of the Year

It is the shortest, darkest day of the year and the sun barely peeked over the barn. Not only is this week a time for friends, family and worship, it also marks the anniversary of the day my friend Eugene very nearly became a casualty in the War on Christmas, all because he wished good will, peace and happiness to one of his fellow men. You can read about it here, in A Very Eugene Holiday Tale (now with less cussing!).

Best wishes to all, now and in the coming New Year, from everyone at Fish in a Barrel Pond. Bring on the longer days!

Categories: Winter | Tags: , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Vermont Hand Crafted Tenkara Rods

Tenkara is an old Japanese method of fishing, conceived as a way to yank fish from small streams. Generating a lot of interest lately, its American adherents are practically swooning. It turns out that my friend Eugene has been using similar methods for years and his desire to simplify the gentle art of angling (see “… teach a man to fish …”) has naturally led him to Tenkara. Feeling uniquely qualified, he is anxious to share his expertise. He’s also fairly sure he can make a buck or two doing it.

Eugene has tried his hand at home decor (see “A Craft Project With My Friend, Eugene”) and he has dabbled in the culinary arts (see “Mouse Pie”). His qualifications are indeed unique but I sometimes wonder about him as an entrepreneur, especially when he involves his pal Purly (see “The Disappearance of Ethan Allen”). Still, I do what I can to help them out, usually against my better judgement.

With a reminder — nay, a plea — to obey all fish and game laws, I give you:

EUGENE & PURLY’S FREE RANGE, ORGANIC, RENEWABLE, HAND CRAFTED, VERMONT ARTISANAL TENKARA RODS  Continue reading

Categories: Fly Fishing, Humor, Stories About My Good Friend, Eugene, Vermont | Tags: , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

On Thin Ice

(This Blog entry was my submission to a Sportsman Channel and Outdoor Blogger Network writing contest.)

A major credit card company had a contest, a few years back, in which one could win one’s own private island. The television commercials showed groups of very young, very attractive people partying down on a tropical beach, dancing the night away, without a care in the world. The magazine ads featured a white sand beach, turquoise water and palm trees, and all of the ads included the tag-line “What would you do?” Continue reading

Categories: Humor, Vermont, Winter | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

It’s Not Over ‘Til It’s Over

The end of the season is nigh, here at Fish and a Barrel Pond, but it ain’t over yet and I should have known better than to write like it was as I did a couple of weeks ago when I got all sentimental and gooey in my post “Mostly Photos, from Somewhere in Vermont“. A string of sunny days full of blue skies and brook trout interspersed with starry nights scented of bourbon and wood smoke can do that to a guy.

It’s been almost six months since the 2010 fishing season began for the members of the Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society and it was nice to spend another Saturday night by the fire, sipping toddies and swapping stories with a swell bunch of fellows but on Sunday afternoon, as I stood in the road waving good-bye, a chill, northern breeze boxed my ears and tossed my hat in the ditch, reminding me it is the end of their season, not mine.

All week long that breeze blew. It took the sunshine away, replacing it with steady rain, and by Thursday afternoon the breeze was a flag-shredding gale and, after a brief lull, the rain became sleet.

You pay your money and you take your chances when you come to Fish in a Barrel Pond, especially in October. Some folks, with little apparent effort, have a fine time no matter the conditions, while others don’t try at all and are miserable, rain or shine. Continue reading

Categories: +The Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society, Fly Fishing, Humor, nature | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Match Game

Search the internet and you will find plenty of fly fishing experts, willing and able to befuddle you beyond all reason with their grasp of the sport. I am not one of them.

I do like to touch upon important aspects of fly fishing from time to time, though, as I did with “Fishing Hurts,” where I discuss the back cast, and with “Teach a Man to Fish,” where I discuss delicate presentations and sportsmanship in general. I am able to observe a lot of fishermen, both on the water and off, and over the years I have reached some very important conclusions regarding this peaceful pastime and its practitioners. One of those conclusions  — painful as it is to admit — is that a six-year-old with a $20.00 Spiderman fishing pole and a tub of worms can catch more fish than a 50-year-old with a $600.00 fly fishing rig.

There, I said it. I am also nearly certain that a pink marshmallow will attract more trout than a Royal Wulff and corn will generally outperform the most intricate woven-body nymph. Continue reading

Categories: Fly Fishing, Humor, nature | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dead Flies

With a fairly steady stream of anglers plying the waters of Fish in a Barrel Pond I find flies everywhere. I pick them up and if they are intact I add them to my boxes. If not, I keep them anyway. Mangled and broken, tattered and frayed, shredded and unwound, dropped, stepped on and left behind, it sometimes seems that I accumulate as many un-fishable flies as good ones. I find them in boats, on the ground in the parking lot and stuck in the nap of rugs at the doors of the camps. No fly lasts forever.

Most people wouldn’t give these worthless bits of feather, hair and thread a second look but I just can’t throw them away or leave them behind, rusting away to nothing.

Continue reading

Categories: Fly Fishing, Humor, Rural Life | Tags: , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

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