Humor

A Toast to the Unknown Guide

My old friend, Dr. Marcus Feely, recently spent four days here at Fish in a Barrel Pond. He will be back in August, with his wife and family, and again in September, with some lucky young receptionist from his office. Last week, however, he was here by himself.

I hate to say it, but when he is alone he gets lonely and if I stopped to chat every time he wanted to talk I would never get anything done.

I don’t exactly hide, but I can be difficult to find and I don’t exactly skulk, but when Doc Feely is here I do tend to skirt the edges a bit more than usual. My stealthiness is tested during his visits, especially when he stays in the Cahill camp, which I must pass on my way to inspect our overflow spillway. I got out there just fine on Tuesday, crawling on my belly beneath the kitchen window while Doc sat on the front porch, listening to the Red Sox game, but coming back, as I drew near I heard ice in a glass and froze.

Doc Feely was making a drink in the kitchen and I had to think fast. I could stay right where I was and wait, sauntering past after he toddled back out to the porch or I could find an alternate route and be on my merry way. Instead, I panicked when I heard the kitchen screen door squeak open and slap shut, followed by the approaching tinkle of ice in a drink.

I don’t remember the lie I must have told when Doc Feely asked what I was doing 35 feet up a pine tree, but I remember a few of the lies I tried when he insisted I come sit on the porch with him. They weren’t very good ones and I finally climbed down, figuring that if I was going to spend the next part of the afternoon listening to Doc prattle on I might as well do it on the porch with a drink in my hand instead of halfway up a pine, getting covered with sap. Continue reading

Categories: +The Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society, Fly Fishing, Humor | Tags: , , , , , , | 7 Comments

A Story Not About Fishing

Long, golden twilight glinting off the rustle of papery wings; ripples of rises and splashes and slurps; fishing ’til it’s too dark to see or your arm falls off or your hands feel on fire because the no-see-ums are out; nights redolent of wood smoke and cigars; whiskey and whisky and weapons-grade potations anonymously distilled in some far away holler; blue winged olives before breakfast, Hexagenias at dusk; caddis and hornbergs, white Wulffs and hare’s ears, skaters and spiders; sinking lines, floating lines, boats and oars and anchors; a tree blew down; the toilet’s running and we’re out of paper; we need more towels; a spider’s in the shower and a mouse ate my cookies!

Not even Quill Gordon can take much more than 67 straight days of that, so here’s something different:

I remember being told when I was young that some thing or another was going to go on my Permanent Record. At the time, I pictured a future employer actually looking at my school records, which I now know they did not do. It turns out that no one ever asked to see my diploma, either, but the concept of the Permanent Record still intrigues me. Continue reading

Categories: Humor | Tags: , , , , | 10 Comments

Vermont Hand Crafted Tenkara Flies

My friend Eugene and his pal Purly decided last fall to see if they couldn’t make a couple of bucks taking advantage of the angling craze that is Tenkara, so I helped them introduce their own line of Hand Crafted Vermont Artisinal Tenkara Rods. We even went so far as to introduce a whole new system of angling, based on the art of “barking” squirrels, employing the principles of “concussive shock” to virtually guarantee fish (and lots of ’em!) nearly every time.

Initial responses were encouraging but it soon became apparent that the ranks of Tenkara practitioners had been infiltrated by one of the baser elements of society; a group that can take any activity, try to make it their own, and suck the fun for everyone right out of it. That’s right, I am referring to the purists. Continue reading

Categories: Fly Fishing, Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Diary of a Trout Bum

JUNE XX, 20XX

4:07 a.m.: Fell asleep last night dreaming of fishing for trout. Every cast on the mark, every retrieve bringing another fish to net. Adoring throngs lined the shore, waving handkerchiefs and shouting, “Huzzah, Quill Gordon, huzzah! Working where others come to play, huzzah! Such fine fly fishing always so close at hand and fishing privileges to boot! Huzzah, Quill Gordon, Huzzah!”

My casts shot out true — back-hand, under-hand and behind my back — and each one hooked a trout. As I motored past the main dock (where twenty beautiful women wearing bikinis and waders went positively bonkers over my patented dipsy-doodle, backwards-between-the-legs triple haul) the cheers changed to whistles and I began to wake up.

The whistles in my dream were in reality the songs of birds, serenading the arrival of first light. Very few people get to experience a real dawn chorus of songbirds any more. Thrushes and warblers, finches and wrens, robins, cat birds, chats, flickers, phoebes and sparrows joining together with dozens and dozens of their neighbors to sing in the morning with what most people interpret as melodious joy. In reality, the songs of birds are more likely to be challenges and threats — territorial exclamations tossed into the dawn — and, when taken that way, it is more an early morning cacophony than lovely dawn chorus.

Stupid noisy birds. Continue reading

Categories: +The Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society, Fly Fishing, Humor | Tags: , , , , | 10 Comments

Blurry Photos, Blurry Memories

I usually let opportunities to join in on internet fun sail right on by, kind of like a selective trout that will only rise to certain flies at certain times and only under the most exacting conditions. Consumate angler that he is, Owl Jones has hooked me with his ’80s week prompt (you should follow that link if only to see how a mullet is properly rocked).

While looking for appropriate material from those hazy days so long ago, I realized a couple of things. First of all, I am in posession of an awful lot of crap that should have been thrown out long ago. That said, here is a photo, taken on a fishing trip in 1986, of one of my favorite rocks:


And here is a picture of one of my favorite fishing streams, as seen from the top of that rock:

Yes, the 1980s. Back when I could evidently support my own weight using only my butt muscles. Strange days, indeed.

Me in the middle

 

Categories: Humor | Tags: , , , | 5 Comments

If You Think a Mouse in a Bag of Chips Makes Noise …

A mouse can make a pretty good living in the camps scattered along the shores of Fish in a Barrel pond. Toaster crumbs alone will support a surprising number of rodents but when you add open bags of chips and peanuts, puddles of grease on the stove and spilled cereal on top of the refrigerator, entire colonies can spring up, seemingly overnight.


Some members of the Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society will adopt a mouse in their camp, as a mascot of sorts, leaving treats on the mantle and laughing with delight when their furry little friend descends the stone face of the chimney, grabs a Cheetos™ and scurries back up through a hole in the ceiling. Those folks marvel at how quickly the mouse returns for another load, forgetting that mice pretty much all look the same and that what they are seeing is really a multi-generational assault, with mouse after mouse lined up above the ceiling like paratroopers in a plane. Continue reading

Categories: Humor, nature, Rural Life, Vermont | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Flashback Friday: The One That Got Away

My friend Owl Jones wrote a post the other day about fishing with barbed vs. non-barbed hooks. Actually, it wasn’t much of a vs. since the title was “Why you should fish with barbs”.

Personally, I pinch down the barbs on my flies because 98% of the trout I catch are released and the hook comes out much easier if there is no barb. The less time spent removing the hook, the better. A barbless hook is also much easier to remove from an ear lobe but we won’t get into that again. It was an accident and I said I was sorry, okay? Continue reading

Categories: Flashback Fridays, Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

A Note to the CEO of Nature’s Little Engineers, Inc.

From: Quill Gordon, Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society

To: Bucky Beaver, CEO Nature’s Little Engineers, Inc.

Dear Mr. Beaver,

I thought we had an agreement. Several years ago, your grandfather moved his operations to a previously abandoned dam and pond, raising water levels to the point they threatened to inundate one of the roads I maintain on behalf of the Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society. Evidently pleased with what he had done, he then invited several families of muskrats to move in with him and they began digging tunnels into the road bed.

I understand that these are things beavers and muskrats do but these activities created a potentially dangerous and expensive problem for me. I pleaded with your grandfather and the questionable elements he associated with to cease and desist but they would not listen and I am sure your family has shared with you the story of what happened next. Please accept my belated condolences. Continue reading

Categories: Humor, nature | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Flashback Whatever-the-heck-day-it-is Because I Just Don’t Know Any More

I took a road trip to Maine last spring and found this old calendar page in an antiques store near Sebago Lake.

It’s from a Currier & Ives lithograph and it shows that kids with sticks have been out-fishing men with rods for ages. Two guys in close quarters, fishing tandem flies, is a recipe for disaster even without the added pressure of being out-fished by some punk using a tree branch, and the bad day these guys are having is being made worse by the mangy cur gobbling down their catch. Hooked in the ear or in the ass, it is hard to not laugh at anglers such as these. Continue reading

Categories: Flashback Fridays, Fly Fishing, Humor | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

Flashback Friday: Opening Day!

Opening Day 1947

Opening Day 2011 dawned a tad bit cool and more than just a little breezy, and the members and guests of the Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society reacted accordingly. Some searched out sheltered spots to cast while others trolled streamers, slapping their way through the chop on the upwind leg of their circuit. By breakfast, most had touched enough trout to have no problem not going back out but a few anglers, suffering from the delusion that nothing matters but numbers, couldn’t be bothered to come in even for coffee.  Continue reading

Categories: +The Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society, Flashback Fridays, Fly Fishing, Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.