My friend Eugene and his pal Purly decided last fall to see if they couldn’t make a couple of bucks taking advantage of the angling craze that is Tenkara, so I helped them introduce their own line of Hand Crafted Vermont Artisinal Tenkara Rods. We even went so far as to introduce a whole new system of angling, based on the art of “barking” squirrels, employing the principles of “concussive shock” to virtually guarantee fish (and lots of ’em!) nearly every time.
Initial responses were encouraging but it soon became apparent that the ranks of Tenkara practitioners had been infiltrated by one of the baser elements of society; a group that can take any activity, try to make it their own, and suck the fun for everyone right out of it. That’s right, I am referring to the purists.
You know the type. You see them everywhere. Those mincing dry fly purists, flitting about, flicking bits of fluff upstream-only and exclusively to rising fish, or those irritating wet fly people who are not content to merely fish with two flies. They must “work” a “brace” of them. Such people have no place in polite society and thankfully tend to associate only with others of their ilk. But they are also quite sensitive to slights, both real and perceived, and are very capable of squawking loudly when they believe they or their passions have been done wrong.
Eugene and Purly are also quite sensitive and, when the complaints about what they had done to Tenkara started rolling in, they looked long and hard for ways to address some of the concerns raised by the
big babies purists.
(We will ignore for now the similarities between the rods used for Tenkara and the rods depicted in Dame Juliana Berners’ Treatyse of Fysshynge wyth an Angle more than 500 years ago.
We will also not mention that in all the Samurai movies we’ve ever seen, we can’t recall much fishing going on.)
Here, now, is the latest addition to our fine family of Tenkara products:
HAND CRAFTED VERMONT ARTISINAL TENKARA FLIES!
When we first introduced our “Green Mountain Thumper” Tenkara system we didn’t think there was any room for improvement. Some of you apparently disagreed and sent us well written, politely worded emails saying things like, “You (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted)s! Where is the (expletive deleted) hook?” and, “That is the sash weight from an old window! That is not a fly! There aren’t even any feathers on that stupid thing!”
Well, we listened and went back to work, eventually coming up with what we believe is the perfect answer to those concerns. Taking inspiration from traditional methods and jazzing it up with Pop Culture references to show we’re “with it” and “cool”, we are pleased to share the results of our effort.
Using only the finest tools, we tie our flies using quality materials such as premium detonator wire, native stone, domestic rope and those pretty hair decorations so popular with rock stars and young girls these days.
After the small, delicate hook is carefully set in the vise we attach just the right amount of weight to get the fly down to where the fish are in an efficient and accurate manner. To achieve this we use native stone (no lead!) from right here on the property, held in place with our proprietary Torsion Flex technology — the same stuff that makes our rods strong, yet supple.
We can’t show any more steps because the rest of our tying process is secret and you wouldn’t understand anyway.
We have a hook. We also have feathers, so maybe now the purists will be happy. But these are no ordinary feathers. They are also in-demand hair accessories, as seen on TV and on the internet, notably worn by a certain celebrity judge/rock and roll singer. Because he is a New Englander and because his fashion leadership has made it possible to put over $100 worth of feathers into every fly, we are pleased to change the way you get your Tenkara on forever with the newest weapon in our arsenal, The Steven Tyler!
Weighing in at just over a pound, the Steven Tyler doesn’t pack quite the wallop of our original Green Mountain Thumper, encouraging quickness, accuracy and persistence. With the lighter weight, you’ll have those pools whipped to a froth in no time at all!
Stylish and elegant, you’ll fit right in with one of these babies knotted onto the end of one of our fine, recycled lines.
Brook trout are notoriously easy to spook. When a Steven Tyler comes flying in at 80 mph, they will be positively stunned. The principles used by our squirrel hunting forefathers still work today and we’ve given them an updated twist, just for Tenkara! With our methods, close is close enough!
Priced at just $229.99 each, you are sure to want to tie on a brace!
(As a special incentive to you, the serious Tenkara angler, for the next 10 minutes we will donate 0.002% of your purchase to a special fund we’ve set up to help our friend Owl Jones get to Montana. Once we have permission from Mrs. Owl we’ll look into a special fund to get him home.)
No hackle was harmed while producing this post.
Brilliant! Sure beats the gallon milk jugs filled with C4 I’ve been using lately.
Just one question, what size tippet are we talking about?
Pipe bombs. Works every time.
When I fished private lakes in Virginia and the bite pretty much sucked, we would go through our tackle boxes and put together monstrosities made of plastics that never get used. The damn things caught bass, big bass.
If you can find something that will cast that thing, which is stunning by the way, you just never know. But I wouldn’t be surprised.
Fine job, Quill. A gut buster as usual! I am motivated to include the Native Stone-Headed Steven Tyler in my next post with your permission. At the risk of being among those labelled purist. Would the native stone be of the potassium feldspar, or orthoclase feldspar granitic rock? Perhaps, roundish rock, would be a better description?
I enjoyed this addition very much.
No,no,no. You’re tying them too small! Neophyte!
Kirk — Thank you for your interest. Our system uses recycled lines, collected from a local dairy farm. Based on diameter, texture and color, some have compared our lines to baling twine. For your convenience, we have included two links to our Tenkara rods in the above article, where you can view the rest of our fine Tenkara system.
Ken — We can not condone or endorse the use of explosives in fishing. We also can not deny their effectiveness. And we all carry things in our boxes and bags that can only be described as absurd. They work (sometimes) though, don’t they? We encourage you to follow Kirk to our original Tenkara rod piece so you, too, can experience the wonder of our rods and the original 10 pound Green Mountain Thumper.
Grizz — This is all still a bit beta so we have not yet settled on a single source for our stones. The orthoclase has a nice grain to it but we are leaning a bit more toward metamorphic materials, perhaps even a nice Vermont marble. By all means, spread the word! We’re still waiting to hear back from Mr. Tyler himself and hope he likes your “Stone-Headed” embelishment to the name.
Mr. Jones — We will be adding more sizes soon, just as soon as we find those grappling hooks we stashed upstairs in the barn. There was some discussion about bringing you on board as a consultant but there are just some dreams we dare not dream. The possibility of rejection would just be just too terrible to consider …
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Chief show your fly to Lord of Flies. He very impressed. Say use of circle hook help in quick release of small brook trrout(under 2ft).
Quill, I literally had tears running down my cheeks as I was reading this. As I was scrolling down, the first thing I noticed was the blasting wire. I’m guessing that may have come from below the mason-dixon. And then I got to the picture of the hook in the vice with the rock. That’s when my wife started wondering what I was laughing at hysterically. Then I get to the picture of the fully dressed “steven tyler”. That’s when I lost it. Literally… tears flowing from laughing. Thanks so much!
Quill, I couldn’t stop laughing at your writing wit and ability to put it into photographs…..great stuff!
Do you make a rod suitable for my tanago fishing exploits?
Mark in Virginia — Thank you very much for the link. Our methods are ideal for the sport of tanago. The principles of “concussive shock” apply especially well to small fish. You’ll be scooping up buckets of those little dinks!
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tips on flies much appreciated, hope you dont mind me pirating your designs to make a fast buck, tried the flies you recommend on our local devon rivers with great success. Found that changing furled nylon leader for fine furled wire one connected to large charged capacitor seemed to have more attraction for the fish.