An Idea That Will Revolutionize Fly Fishing

Having at least a rudimentary command of fly fishing skills and knowledge, I have spent the last ten years in close observation and study of anglers and their ilk. One conclusion I have reached is that a vital segment of the fly fishing community remains chronically under-served. I aim to correct that situation and I do not want you to miss out on this Important Investment Opportunity!

According to this article by Kirk Deeter on Field & Stream‘s Fly Talk blog, the American Fly Fishing Trade Association estimates that, in the U.S. alone, close to 4.5 million of us fly fish at least once a year. As Kirk points out, some sources put the number higher, some lower, and some prefer to look at only those who are regular consumers of fly fishing products. With estimates as high as 10 million and as low as 1.5 million, we’ll stick with 4.5 million as a conservative average.

Obviously, a certain percentage of us fish more than just once or twice a season, in a wide range of weather and other conditions, and manage to have a fine time doing so. We find the time we spend outside, doing something we love, to be an invigorating balm for our souls.

But what about those others, the ones who don’t fish much at all because to do so would mean actually getting outside? The ones who constantly find it too hot, too cold, too rainy, or too windy. The ones who say they’d like to feel they were part of something larger than themselves, if only it weren’t made up of so many things smaller than themselves, like black flies and mosquitoes, spiders and mice. The ones who react with anger at otters and loons, and at the end of the day knock baby birds from their nests for pooping on the porch.

I have seen far too many fly fishing experiences absolutely, completely ruined by the great outdoors. Making allowances for, among other things, the fact that some anglers will struggle on their own for a week, or that an entire camp can be demoralized in a weekend, my observations lead me to believe that at least 25% of all fly fishers would fish a lot more if they didn’t have to do it outdoors.

Over a million anglers, for whom the traditional fly fishing experience holds little charm? Sounds to me like Oppotunity knocking and that’s why, working closely with the same folks who brought you Vermont Hand Crafted Tenkara Rods and our famous gear-for-guides Angler Management Device, I am pleased and proud to invite you in on the ground floor of our latest concept, Gordon’s Getaway Club®, the ultimate fly fishing destination for anglers who “expect less from Nature”™.

Climate-Controlled Comfort

Artist’s Rendering of Proposed Platinum-Level Luxury Private Water

Just imagine, a fellow could stroll in his underwear with a drink in one hand, lazily roll-casting to lunker trout all day long if he wanted to. No sunburn or bug bites here!

And wouldn’t it make you feel better to know that guys like him would be there, at one of potentially hundreds of Gordon’s Getaway Club® franchises, instead of where you were planning to go? Invest in your own fishing future now!

Not everyone will be able to afford that sort of solitude. In fact, for many, warm feelings of friendship and closeness of spirit are among the most important aspects of fly fishing. In order to provide these benefits to as many anglers as possible, I envision the rehabilitation of already-existing under-utilized facilities, namely the popular-back-in-the-1970s Holiday Inn® Holidome®.

The first thing we do, let's get rid of the golfers...

The first thing we do, let’s get rid of the golfers…

The elimination of putting greens and shuffleboard courts will not only benefit society as a whole, it will also allow for the expansion of fish-able water. Any number of configurations are possible with today’s modern pump and aquarium design technologies!

Conveniently located, along major Interstate highways, it will be nearly impossible to get lost on the way™ to Gordon’s Getaway Club®!

For every fly fisher who has battled the big, brawling rivers of the west or braved the black flies of Maine, there are a dozen Caspar Milquetoasts either too scared to try or gumming up the works for the rest of us. In the pleasant surroundings of Gordon’s Getaway Club®, even the most bashful angler will be able to lay into a real slab of a brown “just outside Jackson” or feel the tug of a football-size brookie “near Waterville”.

With careful planning and a good map, one might pick up a muskie “up around Mankato” or a bass “down close to Birmingham” or even a tarpon “right there in Hays, Kansas! Damnedest thing I ever saw,” on the way there. Each and every Gordon’s Getaway Club® will feature customization options to allow any fish to be caught anywhere.

Even better, not only will we allow it, we’ll guarantee it! Using proven conditioning methods, the fish stocked in the waters of each Gordon’s Getaway Club® will learn to strike an artificial fly just like wild fish do, and for the same reason: the fly resembles food! Or, in this case, the food resembles flies as we combine the latest 3-D printing technology, molecular food science techniques and animal nutrition know-how to produce pellets in a wide variety of shapes and in a range of colors. Dry flies, nymphs and streamers can all be duplicated with this process and look just like the real thing!

Our patented food pellet compared with a "real" fly. Fish can't tell the difference, either!

Our patented food pellet compared with a “real” fly. Fish can’t tell the difference, either!

Matching the hatch will be easier than ever at Gordon’s Getaway Club®. Members need only ask our staff of registered concierge professionals (formerly known as “guides”) which fly to use and get ready for action! Anglers won’t want to miss our Hare’s Ear Happy-Hour™, Pheasant Tail Friday™ or Rat Faced McDougal Monday™ promotions, as appropriately-shaped food pellets are discretely sprinkled from our patented over-head hatch dispensers, creating fish feeding frenzies that just can’t be beat.

With the hassles of nature and knowledge eliminated, members of Gordon’s Getaway Club® will be able to concentrate on more important things, like buying more gear and creating an entirely new Indoor Lifestyle market. Are you listening Orvis?

Members of Gordon’s Getaway Club® will appreciate the fact that a good cocktail will never be more than a short toddle away, just across the lobby, with fine dining available, 24/7, providing ample opportunities to impress others. And for those who normally find themselves too busy to fish, our state of the art wi-fi networks will ensure distractions for everyone.

There is plenty to be excited about here. Not only will Gordon’s Getaway Club® finally give over a million eager fly fishers a safe, nurturing place to practice their contemplative art in a clean, climate-controlled environment, it will reduce the pressure on many of our already crowded rivers and lakes. That in itself makes this a win-win proposition. And as anyone who has spent time on the water can tell you, there are those among us who would be better off staying indoors. With Gordon’s Getaway Club® they can!

Franchise inquiries welcome*.

Memberships go on sale soon**.

*Fees expected to include a one-time, non-refundable, six-figure licensing fee for the use of Quill Gordon’s name and his Perplexed Moustache™ avatar image.

**Look for our ads in Golf Digest magazine featuring our New Member Putter Amnesty Program. Up to 50% off your membership when you turn in that bag of clubs!

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Categories: Fly Fishing, Humor | Tags: , , , , , | 6 Comments

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6 thoughts on “An Idea That Will Revolutionize Fly Fishing

  1. No joke, I met a guy years ago that wanted to build a mini replica of a small mountain trout stream in one of the many empty massive warehouses here in the Chicago area. He had no clue how to go about getting the funding for the thing so it never happened.

    Since that idea is out there, I think you should steal it (appropriate?) whatever the word is.

    Picture a little trout filled brook winding around perfectly replicated rocks, trees, brush… but like you said, none of those things that make your time in the outdoors a miserable experience.

    I think you should go for it.

  2. Woolybugah

    Do you take plastic? Do you have to net your own? That should be on the front page of the brochure! Wow. is your middle name really Bernie?

    • If you’re wondering about franchise and licensing fees, those will be non-refundable so we’ll need cash. If you’re wondering about initiation and membership fees, once your credit card and bank info are in our system, you’ll be all set. Don’t worry about a thing; with your pre-authorization, we’ll take only what we need. Don’t give it a second thought.

      With interested anglers like yourself off the rivers and lakes, some folks now known as “guides” will be displaced but our re-education program will train them in important but sometimes overlooked fly fishing job skills. Most will be given haircuts and all will be issued spiffy new outfits reflecting their status as valets and personal concierge professionals. If you don’t want to net or touch a fish, you won’t have to. They’ll do it for you! Heck, they will even do the fishing, if you want, freeing you up for more important things like socializing.

      We can discuss this further, over whisky and Doritos, one evening this spring, if you wish.

  3. Idaho Steel

    Hee hee! Whenever I begin to feel nostalgic for the good ‘ol days as a guide, I can read one of your posts and immediately feel better about having given up “the life” for honest work. Not to mention sobriety, a stable relationship and financial solvency…

    People ask, “why do you always fish by yourself?” And I’m forced to say “because I can…”

  4. It gives me the warm fuzzies to know I can make others feel better about their choices like that.

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