Brothers and sisters, another season is nearly upon us!
Here at Fish in a Barrel Pond that means a steady stream of anglers, all running amok, and demanding just a bit more attention than any of us might be able, or willing, to give. Combining my experience around outdoors folk and anglers, with some ingenuity and good old Yankee know-how, provided by my friend Eugene and his pal Purly, I believe we have come up with a system that will benefit you, the working guide, no matter how many clients may be in your charge.
The first part of our System is based on an Australian concept, introduced to us via our research facility in Sweden, and is really quite simple.
Staging areas, boat launches, and parking lots can be hectic places, especially with a bunch of confused, belligerent anglers milling around and getting in the way. Conceived as a way to keep groups in one place so I could have a little peace and quiet once in a while, we have adapted our Original Angler Containment Area™ to your needs, creating a lightweight, portable solution that you can use anywhere. (Complete kit $9.99 does not include curbing, plastic chairs or water. Pretty Floating Rings™ sold separately. Comes with Basic Instructions™)
Notice how those anglers, like so many of their kind, naturally gravitate to water that could not possibly hold fish. What a nice way to keep them out of your hair, yet close by, where you can keep an eye on them! The addition of Pretty Floating Rings™, in bright primary colors, allows you to increase the numbers that gather by exploiting their natural competitive instincts, and for an even greater haul of anglers, promise cookies.
Early prototypes of these Angler Containment Areas™ included tall fences, but anglers had to be coaxed in far enough to not escape through the gate before it slammed shut. In an effort to address issues of aesthetics, as well as reduce the number of serious injuries, the fences and gates were replaced with buried wires and the anglers were required to wear electric shock collars, which they were told were benign and only for identification purposes. When they entered the Angler Containment Area™ to eat cookies and show off, the system was turned on and, once the yelping stopped, they seemed content. For a while, at least.
But there were problems with that system, and it was in overcoming them that we were inspired to create the component that is going to change the control and containment of anglers forever!
Anglers tend to get cranky when the cookies run out, and after a while they can learn to just not enter the Angler Containment Area™ in the first place. When the cookies are replaced with bottles of old scotch, anglers may congregate and stay put, which is the goal, but they tend to become exceedingly surly. Eventually, they will remove the shock collars, take the booze back to their camps, and not come out until they leave, on Sunday morning.
Where some might see a stunningly expensive and job-endangering failure, we realized opportunity. Our new Portable Long-Range Angler Management and Training System™ addresses those issues in a way that we think is particularly well-suited to you, the modern, 21st-Century guide!
The key to this brilliant system, developed by Eugene and Purly, is the fine, conductive mesh they have cleverly worked into our Angler Control Discharge Unit™.
Inspired by the some of the same remote-control shock-producing technology used to train hunting dogs the world over, what appears to be an ordinary fishing vest has become a powerful way to get your message across to even the most obstinate angler.
Our old system of buried wires and collars was only effective as long as our anglers stayed within a set of predetermined boundaries. With a range of 300 feet, our new Portable Long-Range Angler Mangement and Training System™ allows your anglers to move about freely, within reason, and instead of programming dozens of units to the same frequency the old-fashioned way, each of these “vests” has its own frequency and comes with a specially-coded remote control. They’ll think you’re locking the truck and won’t suspect a thing!
“Unlock” the full potential of your units, increasing the voltage with a simple push of a button, or “lock” in the behavior you want by backing off and giving them a break. Sure, you’ll need multiple units for groups, but this system allows you to give each angler the personal attention he or she deserves. In no time at all, you’ll be herding five and six anglers at a time, using nothing more than Nudges™, giving them a little pop each time they head in the wrong direction.
Got two groups at headquarters or on the landing, all mingling together and not paying attention? If every guide uses our Portable Long-Range Angler Management and Training System™, order from chaos is just a few well-timed clicks away. Make a game of it and see who can get all their clients in the boat first, or marching in a circle, quacking like ducks but, please, no wagering! These are respected, time-tested training methods we’re using here.
Special overlaps create Power Zones™, capable of penetrating thick clothing in cold weather, while remaining light and airy for good ventilation when temperatures climb, and the simple adjustments on our remote allow you to deliver nearly the right amount of reinforcement, most of the time. The sparks alone will deter most unwanted behaviors in short order and instructors will be surprised how quickly an angler can improve once they’ve memorized a simple code — something like one long Nudge™ for “mend!” or two short Nudges™ for “get your back cast up!”
Our Angler Control Discharge Unit™ looks so much like a stylish fishing vest, your clients will practically beg you to let them wear one. They may even beg you to let them take it off, but don’t worry; they won’t be able to. Not until you’ve disabled our Sta-Lok™ fastener system by swiping a valid credit card through your separately purchased card reader, that is. Require every client to wear one of our “vests” (use words like “continuity” and “liability”) and you’ll have a brand new end-of-the-day revenue source. Set your own price. You’re holding the remote, what are they going to do?
Powered by 63 AA batteries, each Angler Control Discharge Unit™ has a built in charger with a retractable cord, and future plans call for integated solar panels. Quickly developing data transfer technologies lead us to believe it won’t be long before you’re able to guide anywhere in the world from the comfort of your own home, bunk house or vehicle, using nothing more than your phone.
The Portable Long-Range Angler Management and Training System™ includes one fully energized Angler Control Discharge Unit (colors may vary, one size) and one specially-coded remote unit. Shipping extra. $17,950
The View from Fish in a Barrel Pond 
I’m not a guide, but I see a good use for parents that want to keep their kids in line.
The possibilities are endless, aren’t they?
Dear Mr. Gordon,
Here in the midwest, particularly in Illinois, we have an abundance of cooling lakes, strip mine pits and impoundments that get inundated by bass and muskie anglers throughout the fishing seasons. We also have all the boat ramps that ring Lake Michigan. The resulting chaos is much like you describe in the advertising and promotional materials for your Angler Containment systems.
I have a proposition. It would be easy enough for me to order numerous systems from you and get them set up throughout the midwest, but I was wondering if you would consider entering into a partnership with me, Waterdog Guide Service, where we jointly setup and maintain your Angler Containment systems.
With my local expertise on locations and your expertise in how your system works, we can quickly corner the market throughout the midwest. This could include, but not be limited to, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa and Missouri.
In any business, time is always a critical factor. With the combination of our talents and skills, I believe within a year we can corner the market for your system. After that it’s just a matter of sitting back and training a bunch of guys on the system that are willing to work for minimum wage. It wouldn’t take long for us to be able to buy our own island, let’s say Puerto Rico, kick most of the people off and then enjoy our own private fishing paradise. Bass in the mornings in the mountain impoundments, bone fish at sunset on one of many pristine beaches.
Please let me know what you think of my proposition and I eagerly await your response.
Sincerely,
Ken G
Owner/Operator
Waterdog Guide Service
Dear Ken G,
I have discussed several possible business models with my partners, and your proposed take over of midwestern waters fits right in with some of our ideas. An overseas command center, or perhaps even a completely automated system, using pre-programmed GPS waypoints, have also figured in our discussions. By simply setting the controls to whatever waters an angler wished to fish, he or she could find their way simply by moving in whatever direction stopped the shocks. We like to call this “Positive Reinforcement” and it would certainly free up Guides to do whatever they wanted.
Our research indicates, however, that many Guides would enjoy administering the “Nudges” themselves, just to see the looks on their client’s faces. For that reason alone, we are leaning away from models that don’t allow that all important one-on-one time they look forward to.
There have been some concerns about “safety” and “liability”, brought to our attention by “lawyers”, that must be addressed. We have scheduled several special “meetings” where they can see for themselves just how effective our system is, but they have so far rejected all overtures and offers of free fishing, despite our assurances that we now operate with “34% fewer serious burns!”
Once these “legal” concerns and repressive regulations have been dealt with, we expect to open large parts of the country for franchising opportunities and your name will be at the top of our list. We thank you for your enthusiasm and interest in our Portable Long-Distance Angler Management and Training Sytem.
Sincerely,
Quill Gordon, CEO
Angler Containment Technologies
PS – Our Puerto Rico territory is all yours, once the details are worked out.
Dear Mr. Gordon,
following authorization requests by Mr. Ken G, the State of Illinois ordered the Institute for Angler’s Behavior and Physiology Studies, of which I am currently Research Director, to conduct a series of experiments in order to determine whether the introduction of your Angler Containment systems may prove detrimental for the Native Anglers populations.
Our findings show that while severe burns are indeed of comparatively low frequency (47.8%), long term exposure to the system increases dramatically the probability of several serious conditions including abnormal consumption of alcoholic beverages, cookie phobia, loss of sexual power and fertility and depression. While none of these are a direct threat to the Angler’s existence, generalization of the use of Angler Containment systems would certainly have a strong negative impact on the populations within 3 generations.
It is therefore our duty to inform our commissioner, the State of Illinois, of the results of our study. It will certainly lead to the prohibition of your systems.
Yet as responsible citizens as well as scientists, we do not want to stand in the way of the undeniable progress your systems represent in the field of Angler management. We would thus propose the following. One of the main research partners of our Institute, Stun Chemicals, designed a drug cocktail called the Anglozac, specially formulated in order to prevent most of the secondary effects of prolonged exposure to Angler Containment systems. Therefore, all you need to get a clean record as far as our study is concerned, is to sign the document our lawyers will send you, to the effect that all Anglers subjected to management procedures involving Angler Containment Technologies products should be administered daily at least 15mg of Anglozac.
I am certain that our combined efforts will provide our guides nationwide the Angler management instruments they deserve, without unnecessary Angler suffering.
Sincerely,
g0ne fishin9, MD, PhD, Research Director
Institute for Angler’s Behavior and Physiology Studies
Among the anglers used in our studies, we found abnormal consumption of alcoholic beverages, cookie phobia, loss of sexual power and fertility, and depression to be pre-existing conditions, and nearly all were able to overcome the worst of these problems by completely avoiding cookies, and eating pie instead.
We sometimes have trouble getting an angler into our Discharge Unit a second time. Stun Chemicals sounds like just the sort of organization we might like to be associated with.
Thank you for bringing up the subject of unnecessary Angler suffering, something we have not considered …
Dear Mr.Quill, Having heard of the impressive results of your device I have taken the liberty of making the DOD aware of the possibilities of your device. Just think of how many Drill Sargents’s voices could be saved allowing them to vent their frustration on inaimate objects. The Secretary thought it might also be useful in warmer climates and that there were numerous test subjects available on a large Carribean island. Being the patriot I am I would expect only a small finders fee, say ,something that would allow me to join the ranks of the 1%. Sincerely, Col R.U.Ceriuos.
You don’t mention which 1% of what you wish to be a part of, Colonel. I’m sure some small group would let you in.
We are afraid of what effect this might have on Reservists. As you know, they are a notorious bunch, and consider the impact if it fell into the wrong hands, say, a retired General. We’re willing to cut you in on the sale of the technology, but we’ll leave the contracts up to someone else. Please let’s continue negotiations over whiskey and Doritos this spring.
Dear Quill,
Regarding the good Col.’s request to be part of the unwashed 1%, I’m afraid he already is and will be annoying you in about 6 short weeks. Perhaps the containment system has its first victimin sight at Fish in a Barrel Pond.
From down in the flatlands,
Steve
Six weeks? What could possibly be going on in six weeks?
The opening of another season of madness.
Well gentlemen, it seems the lawyers have a few years of discussions to have before anything gets resolved and put into motion. Which is good. I could only line up a couple of 30 passenger boats to start vacating Puerto Rico. Once it’s vacated, hopefully the lawyers will be done and we can move things along.
To All Parties Concerned: After much discussion, Eugene and Purly decided they would really like to avoid the whole Get Big Quick way of doing things. They said the wanted to do something for the “little guy” who is just looking for a little help managing his clients. When I asked if that meant selling directly, via the internet, or perhaps through small, independent shops, they said “whatever works to help the little guy.”
When asked what sort of production we could expect, and how soon, they seemed surprised they were expected to make more than one. They literally meant to sell this vest to the little guy. Apparently they believe there is only one little guy.
It is with some disappointment that I must announce the discontinuation of a project I thought was sure to change fly fishing forever. The single prototype has been incorporated into the upholstery of an old sofa and is now being used as a cat deterrent.
Eugene and Purly have generously decided to let go of their idea for free, allowing its use by anyone, anywhere, for any reason. Have at it!
Sincerely,
Quill Gordon
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Very funny! I have previously guided groups of up to 12 anglers, with several assistant guides, and while these outings usually went smoothly, there were certain situations where I, as Master And Commander of the Guide Underlings, could have used a system not only to ensure the cooperation of the Anglers but also some type of “Reinforcement Device” to make sure the guides return with their clients for lunch at the pre-determined time would have been very useful. I am sure you can see the downside of grilling hamburgers and the one guide who comes in an hour late just because one of his clients saw some rising fish. This needs to be addressed.
This was very funny – I do see the serious side of it…there are similar elements to taking groups of fishermen on a fishing trip and taking grade school children on a field trip. Someone has to make them listen!
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