New Product! Political Discourse Paint by Number Kits!

Listening to the radio while painting a barn last fall, my friend, Eugene, and his pal, Purly, were inspired to create another timely product. Originally planned for release by the beginning of November but delayed by concerns about toxicity, I am pleased to announce those concerns have been addressed. Once again, against my better judgement, I present one of their ideas to the general public:

Eugene and Purly’s Political Discourse Paint by Numbers Kits

We are faced with many issues in these troubled times, and some people would have you believe that these issues are complicated, difficult to understand, and worthy of thoughtful conversation.

Poppycock!

Everyone knows it’s winner-take-all these days, so quit screwing around with careful reasoning and listening to the other side! You need bold rhetorical strokes to shut the other guy up, and you want the broadest brush possible to paint him into a corner when logic fails. Our selection of new products gives you everything you need to win any argument!

Available in a variety of sizes, our large-capacity brushes will allow you to slap it on, real good and thick. Go ahead, load ‘er up and marvel at the complete coverage!

Our 12" 'mini' brush.

Our 12″ ‘mini’ brush.

 Our 12″ mini-brush is just the right size to put a stop to those pesky “conversations” at the dinner table. Your guests will be stunned at how quickly you put them in their place, even those at the other end of the table, who will be surprised as all get out by the extra long reach of our six foot handle! Other models include proverbial ten foot poles for touchy subjects, and our extra-large, two-handed model (currently under development for internet use) will cover any subject simply, completely and thoroughly. All of our brushes are sturdy enough to be used with all the force you can muster, filling corners and gaps with ease. For especially stubborn opponents, they also work with tar!

With our new Political Discourse Paint by Number Kits, stupid stuff like “subtlety”, “nuance”, and “facts” will be things of the past. “Details”? Who needs ’em? Not you, when you’re spreading it thick with one of these babies! Those things just get in the way for some folks, but with these kits you will achieve smooth, even coverage and a flawless finish that will leave those morons speechless.

Just as “facts” and “logic” can gum up the works, many people find themselves also struggling with complications like “choices”, but we’ve got that covered too! No more messing around with green, red, blue, or any of those other confusing colors used by eggheads and dummies, because we have narrowed our selection down to the only two colors that matter these days!

Choose one:

#1- BLACK

#1- BLACK

#2- WHITE

#2- WHITE

Our own special proprietary formulas ensure that these two colors absolutely will not, under any circumstances, mix together, enabling you to make your case with no shades of gray! They actually repel each other, and are also permanent, so no one (not even you) will ever be able to change your mind!

Our Political Discourse Paint by Numbers Kits will allow you to cover any issue you can think of simply and easily. Everyone else seems to have one, shouldn’t you?

Stop thinking and order yours today!

(Specify color, brush size. May not be available in all areas.)

Other products by Eugene and Purly include Vermont Hand Crafted Tenkara Rods, Vermont Hand Crafted Tenkara Flies and Mouse Pie.

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Categories: Humor, politics | Tags: , , , | 10 Comments

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10 thoughts on “New Product! Political Discourse Paint by Number Kits!

  1. Quill I’m wondering if the rumor I heard was true, that Eugene and Purly are also ready to release the permanent bullshit repellant with adjustable nozzle? I would like to order one for all bloggers.

    • Because they insist on using actual bullshit in their testing, I’m afraid the release date has been pushed back indefinitely. Something about the noise of their high-pressure pump (and Eugene’s screaming) scaring the cows in the milking parlor at the dairy farm they were using as a testing facility …

  2. I vaguely remember reading a post here about some alcoholic beverages with near lethal proof levels. I would have thought it would have wore off by now…

    • That stuff does wear off, eventually, and I make sure it is gone before winter and the shack nasties set in. I have found, however, that every bottle left behind by visiting anglers has a tiny dribble remaining in the bottom, and they really add up over the course of a season if I pour all those dribbles into a jug for winter use. Tastes horrible of course, but it also makes a fine anti-freeze additive to the wiper fluid in the truck.

      The “angel’s cut” evaporates during aging and the “devil’s cut” soaks into the barrel wood. The “caretaker’s cut” condenses inside supposedly empty bottles.

      • Oh god, my brother and I used to do that with the nasty stuff lying around for decades in my parents basement. I don’t know if we actually got drunk or just sick or some combination of both.

  3. I am a speechless moron. Beer me now, please.

    • Consider yourself beered. Aren’t you the guy who left messages for me while I was out of town for Thanksgiving, just before I got sick and forgot to call back? Maybe today …

  4. This is funny! Being conservative and proud of it, I don’t often get around folks with these kind of conversations, but I sure could use these devices when I listen to some of those “morons” spouting off on TV.

  5. Richard Heffernon

    Dear Mr. Quill, my sides are still hurting-not good this close to Xmas. Makes it hard to pick up that jar of “Old Stump Blower”. Merry Xmas and a “hoppy” new year.

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