It is not uncommon in these parts to run into a celebrity from time to time. Most stay below the radar, preferring to not call attention to themselves, but others cause quite a ruckus. It should come as no surprise that one such recent folderol should involve my good friend Eugene.
Eugene has been wintering with his pal Purly, at Purly’s place above the swamp on the far side of Peavy Flat off Lower Skunk Hollow Road. It’s a cozy arrangement and it works well for them, which is good because otherwise he would be staying here with me. He stopped by the other day — to “borrow” something — and he filled me in on the goings-on over the hill. When he told me about the “cocky little British guy” he and Purly had run off he had no idea who he was talking about but, considering the details, it was clear to me he could only be describing Gordon Ramsay, famous chef, restauranteur and television star.
Eugene drove off in a cloud of exhaust with a roar that shook the ground, leaving me to ponder the story I’d just heard.
It just didn’t seem right that an all-around nice guy and celebrity like Gordon Ramsay should get mixed up with the likes of Eugene and Purly but, like most of the whoppers Eugene has told in his time, this tale had a certain ring of truth to it.
I didn’t have to dig very deep to find out what really happened between Eugene, Purly and Chef Gordon Ramsay. Thanks to the internet and some very helpful folks at the BBC it was surprisingly easy to come up with a transcript from an as-yet un-aired episode of Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares, although it has been heavily redacted due to ongoing legal concerns and open investigations. I present it to you now, as it came to me, with one important note: apparently Gordon Ramsay cusses a bit. So do Eugene and Purly. Some cuss words have been replaced (“xxxx” for example) to protect the delicate sensibilities of some of my readers. Those without delicate, easily offended sensibilities are free to use the x’s as rough guides, inserting any creative expletives they wish.
Voice Over: Chef Ramsay is familiar with the obstacles to success but rarely has he been confronted with so many at once, starting with location.
Gordon Ramsay: (whispering conspiratorially) Right. Here we are and I didn’t think we’d make it. If this GPS unit hadn’t told me we were here I wouldn’t have known it. Xxxx! The parking lot is a sea of mud surrounded by all kinds of bloody strange, dangerous looking machines. I wouldn’t park my bicycle out there, let alone bring my mum in a car. Xxxxxxx xxxx xxxx!
(Turns toward the building and points to a rough-hewn, hand-lettered sign that reads “Trappers In”) Maybe someone has the apostrophe and the second “n” up their xxxxing xxx and I can reach up there and pull them out. Trapper’s Inn indeed. Xxxxx xxxxxxx! Is that dog xxxx I just stepped in? Xxxx!
(The curtains are drawn and the door is locked. Chef Ramsay makes his way through the clutter and bangs on the wall. Something crashes inside.)
Voice Inside #1: Who’s there?
GR: It’s me, Gordon Ramsay and I’m here to xxxing help you! How the xxxx xxxx xxxx is anyone supposed to eat here?
Voice Inside #2: What do we need help with?
GR: Xxxx xxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxx!
Voice Inside #1: Xxxx xxxx xxxxxxx xxxxx!
(Loud barking is heard as four hounds bound around the corner, converging on Chef Ramsay in a frenzy of canine lust.)
(Voice #1 turns out to be “Purly” and Voice #2 “Eugene”. Both step outside, yelling)
Purly: Down! Get Down!
Eugene: Get down now!
GR: Xxxx! Get them off me! Xxxx! Xxxx me!
Purly: Get down!
GR: They’re not listening!
Purly: I’m not yellin’ at them! I’m yellin’ at you! Get down!
Eugene: Believe me, it’s a lot safer if you just get down. Stop struggling!
(SECTION REDACTED DUE TO ONGOING LEGAL CONCERNS)
Voice Over: We’re back. Atmosphere is an important part of the dining experience. Chef Ramsay has done some extensive make overs in his time but once he is inside he knows this could be his biggest challenge yet.
GR: Well, it’s certainly authentic in here, yes?
GR: Yeah. The whole trapper’s cabin thing, eh? Right down to the stench!
Eugene: What do you want?
GR: I want to know what your food is like!
Eugene: It’s fine.
GR: Fine? Bloody xxxx! If it’s so fine why isn’t anybody here?
Eugene: Well, it’s not like we advertise …
GR: No xxxxing bloody xxxxing xxxx, you idiot! Xxxxx almighty! Let me see a menu!
Purly: Menu? We don’t have a menu.
GR: Then fix me something. Nice meat with a veg and maybe a surprising dessert.
Purly: Look, if you’re hungry we’ll feed ya. We’ll even put you up for the night if you’re needin’ a place to stay but, mister, you’ve got to to calm down and take it easy.
GR: Calm down and take it easy! Do you realize that’s exactly the kind of xxxx thinking that has gotten you where you are today?
Purly: Precisely. Now stop hopping and sit down!
(Purly and Eugene retire to the kitchen. Chef Ramsay investigates a large pot steaming on the wood stove. He lifts the lid and inhales the aroma.)
GR: Get me a spoon!
Eugene: You want to eat that?
GR: Look, if I’m going to straighten you out I need to taste your food!
Eugene: Yeah, but …
GR: Just give me the xxxxing xxxx spoon before I take it and jam it up your xxxxing xxxx xxxxx xxxx sideways! (grabs spoon and tastes) Bloody xxxx!
(Chef Ramsay bolts for the door and runs outside. Dramatic, violent retching is heard, followed by the sound of Purly’s amorous dogs.)
GR: (muffled) Xxxx!
Eugene: Chuckle head.
Purly: Just duck and cover! They’ll stop soon enough!
(Chef Ramsay returns)
GR: That was absolutely vile! How do you serve that xxxx?
Eugene: Over kibble.
GR: Over kibble! Are you xxxxing insane?
Eugene: What does that have to do with anything?
GR: Only a chef completely out of his mind would serve this slop! It tastes like plates of half-eaten, badly-cooked leftovers have been scraped into a bucket and heated!
Purly: That’s exactly what it is, dummy, but the dogs like it just fine after a cold night sleeping in the wood shed. Eugene tried to tell you!
(Chef Ramsay bolts for the door again. The sound of his now real retching mixes with thumping and growling as, once again, Gordon fends off the advances of Purly’s love-starved dogs. Eugene hefts a piece of stove wood and steps outside, swinging wildly. More thumps are heard, punctuated by yelps of pain, and Eugene returns, dragging a rather disheveled Chef Ramsay by the collar.)
GR: Xxxx! Xxxxxxx! Xxxxx! Did you connect with even one of those dogs? Xxxx! Xxxx! First you serve me that vile and possibly poisonous concoction. Then, for the third time in less than an hour I was nearly xxxxed to death by a pack of curs and then my skull was bashed by a piece of fire wood wielded by an imbecile!
Eugene: I’m sorry I hit you but we told you to stay still. They sure do like you. Of course, you’ve got their food all over your shirt now. Besides, we didn’t serve it to you. You helped yourself!
GR: (Lunging at Eugene) Xxxx!
(REMAINDER OF SCENE REDACTED DUE TO ONGOING LEGAL CONCERNS)
GR: (Now seated at the table, his head bandaged. Points toward kitchen.) Hey! Big boy! That pan is on fire!
Purly: Not the pan, just the meat.
GR: Don’t go getting cocky with me! Xxxx! Xxxxing xxxx xxxx!
Eugene: (Serving up a plate of sizzling meat, white starchy matter and limp, stringy greens.) You don’t know much about cooking, do you? Cast iron don’t burn! We’ll be out on the porch if you need anything.
GR: Yeah, yeah. You’ve done enough for now. Go!
(Eugene and Purly step outside. Chef Ramsay pokes at his food and lowers his voice.)
GR: Good god! Just look at this! These greens look like they’ve been boiled for days and (tastes) aaagh! Xxxx! Xxxx! Xxxx! And the potato. It tastes like xxxx! Oh, and this meat! No definition. I don’t have a clue what part of the poor beast I have here. (Scrapes char onto his plate) Burned! No pink whatsoever inside! I hope it tastes better than it looks! (Takes a bite) Well, it’s more tender than I expected but the texture is off and I don’t think it tastes at all like what it’s supposed to be.
(Shouting now) Hey you two! Get your xxxxing xxxx xxxes in here!
(Eugene and Purly enter and join Chef Ramsay at the table)
GR: What the xxxx?
GR: This potato is xxxxed beyond xxxx all! What were you thinking? And this chard is unrecognizable as anything other than fibrous plant matter! No one should put that in their mouth! And this is absolutely the worst lamb I have ever tasted!
Eugene: You want some syrup?
GR: Open your xxxxing eyes! You can’t serve this xxxx! No wonder nobody’s here. People want honest food, not this xxxx! I have no xxxxing idea what the xxxx this xxxxing xxxx xxxx is!
(Eugene whispers in Purly’s ear and they both laugh)
GR: You think this is funny, big boys? This isn’t funny at xxxx all!
Purly: You’re right. Nothing funny at all about dishonest food.
Eugene: I don’t know who told you that’s a potato. It must have lied about really being a cattail root.
GR: Xxxx! So I suppose this isn’t chard, eh?
Purly: Nettles and curly dock.
Eugene: You really ought to try some syrup.
GR: What’s this then?
(Chef Ramsay bolts for the door again but remembers the dogs and stops short)
GR: Xxxx all!
Eugene: I’m telling you, try some syrup!
GR: Xxxx you and xxxx your syrup! You two have got to xxxxing stop dreaming! Get that xxxx in the bin!
(Purly takes Gordon’s plate and scrapes the food into the pot on the wood stove)
GR: And to think, I thought I was hungry.
Purly: Xxxx you! Eat what we have or don’t eat! Xxxx!
(SECTION REDACTED DUE TO ONGOING LEGAL CONCERNS)
GR: Look. Yes? I’ll be back in the morning and we are going to turn this thing around! What time is breakfast served?
Purly: Coffee’s on at 5:00.
GR: Right. I’m leaving. Call your dogs.
(Now outside) Unbelievable! This place is awful! The outside looks like a xxxxing junk yard and the inside smells like a tannery. I was thrice humped by a pack of hounds and fed the food they eat. I was beaten with a piece of fire wood and served the hind-quarters of a muskrat. Dear oh dear oh dear.
Voice Over: In the morning, Chef Ramsay returns, ready to help Eugene and Purly with a menu and plans for a relaunch.
GR: Right. And how are we this morning? Yes?
Purly: You want to come in?
GR: Starting in already then? Xxxx me! Yes, I want to come in! Before those dogs know I’m here, anyway.
Purly: Coffee’s over there.
GR: What else?
Purly: Milk’s in the fridge?
GR: Xxxx. Where do you think you’re going?
Purly: Work. Gotta go.
GR: What about breakfast?
Purly: Help yourself. Make some for Eugene, too. He’ll be back with the dogs soon.
GR: Xxxxing xxxx! We’ve got work to do here! You leave if you want, you faker. Maybe Eugene has a pair of bollocks. I’ll put him to work! My people are on their way and we are going to make some changes!
Purly: Knock yourself out. You can make breakfast for them, too. Bring ’em down to the landing for lunch. We can roast weenies.
GR: Gah! Weenies? Xxxx me.
(Loud, discordant whistling is heard)
Purly: Here comes Eugene. (Shouts) Hey, Eugene! Look who came back!
Eugene: Hey. Did you say your name is Gordon?
GR: Xxxx. Have you not been paying attention? Yes my name is Gordon but you, big boy, better be calling me “Chef”.
Eugene: Whatever. Bunch of people looking for you, other side of the swamp.
GR: What are they doing over there? They’re supposed to be here! Xxxx!
Eugene: Well, they weren’t calling you “Chef” and they said you’re supposed to be over there. I told them I had a feeling you might be coming back so they’re sending someone over to get you.
(A mini-van carrying two of Chef Gordon’s assistants arrives, allowing Chef Gordon to show off his proven leadership skills)
GR: Where the xxxx have you two xxxxing xxxxs been?
Assistant #1: We’ve been waiting for you. Everyone is upset now and the schedule is way off!
GR: Waiting for me! I’ve been waiting for you! Xxxx.
Assistant #2: (Holding phone above head) I can’t get a signal here, either.
GR: (Slapping the phone from Assistant #2’s hand) Xxxx that! Look at this! (Displays the information stored on his GPS unit)
Assistant #1: No, no. That’s not right.
GR: The xxxx it isn’t! Look! There’s the sign right there! (Gesturing toward the porch, where Eugene is turning the rough-hewn, hand-lettered sign around so it no longer reads, “Trappers In”. It now reads, “Trappers Out”.)
Assistant #2: What?
GR: Gah! What the xxxx! Are you telling me this is not the Trapper’s Inn?
Eugene: “Trappers In” when we’re here, “Trappers Out” when we’re gone. We’re leaving.
GR: Is this not 340 Skunk Hollow Road?
Purly: Lower Skunk Hollow Road.
GR: Well, xxxx me. How xxxxing many xxxxing Skunk xxxxing Hollow Roads can there xxxxing possibly be?
Purly: I suppose there could possibly be a bunch of ’em but around here there’s only two. Upper and Lower. We’re on Lower.
Assistant #1: Chef, there’s been a mistake …
GR: Bloody xxxx! There sure has been a xxxxing mistake! These xxxxers tried to feed me dog food and aquatic rodent parts! I was sexually violated by a pack of curs and beaten with a piece of fire wood! Now, for breakfast, there’s only coffee and a big dose of xxxxing xxxx xxxx attitude from these cretins!
Purly: I’ve changed my mind about the coffee. You can’t have any now.
GR: Xxxx you, you xxxx! Do you have any xxxxing idea who the xxxx I xxxxing am?
Purly: Yeah, you’re one more guy from somewhere else who wandered up here, got lost and didn’t like the way things are. Go back where you’re from!
GR: I am Chef Gordon Ramsay, you xxxxing xxxx xxxx xxxx!
Purly: I don’t care if you’re Chef Boyar-xxxxing-dee!
Assistant #1: Xxxx!
Assistant #2: Xxxx!
(The commotion attracts the attention of Purly’s dogs, who, after some initial confusion, recognize the object of their affections, directing their amorous advances, once again, toward Chef Gordon Ramsay)
GR: Xxxx me!
Eugene: They are!
(REMAINDER OF TRANSCRIPT REDACTED DUE TO ONGOING LEGAL CONCERNS AND OPEN INVESTIGATIONS.)
Chef Ramsay was not impressed with the muskrat dish he was served. Perhaps he’d like Eugene’s recipe for Mouse Pie better. Click HERE to learn more.