Humor

Loonacy

[This is as good a time as any to note that there are six camps scattered along the shores of Fish in a Barrel Pond, each named after one legendary fly or another. They are, in no particular order, the Parmacheene Belle, Gray Ghost, Queen of the Waters, Cahill, Coachman and Mickey Finn (an acknowledging wink to the Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society’s long tradition of fiery potations and mind-numbing concoctions). The names were chosen by a specially appointed committee charged with choosing from a list of suggestions submitted by the membership.

Certain members were against naming the camps when the issue came up for a vote, not so many years ago (one camp burned to the ground without a name, way back when — see “The Conflagration at Green Damselfly Cove”) and an attempt was made to turn the decision into one the membership would regret. If they had succeeded in stacking the committee in their favor I could very well have just introduced you to the Bitch Creek Nymph, Rat Face McDougal, Quack Doctor, Golden Monkey, Cow Dung and Ethel May.]

The sounds of the loon stir something primal, deep within all of us (see “Sadly Mistaken“), or at least they used to. More and more, as phone signals and broadband coverage improve, I see people mesmerized by the little boxes they carry, looking at each other and themselves but not what’s right in front of them or yakking away about things that, when you stop to really think about them, probably don’t merit a phone call in the first place and I am a bit concerned.

Never again do I want to hear a person say, “Can’t something be done to shut those birds up? I’m trying to talk here!”

I would, however, like very much to hear, again and again, “Quill, I dropped my phone off the dock. Can you fish it out for me?” because I would say “NO! Firstly, that ain’t fishin’ and lastly, I’m glad you dropped it. Might do you some good to be bored out of your frickin’ skull for a week, you spoiled little …” Continue reading

Categories: +The Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society, Humor, Loons, nature | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I Think I Know How They Feel

The way they swim is the way I feel some days, covering miles and miles without getting anywhere at all.

Whirligig beetles are in the Family Gyrinidae. This group has been in the same spot for several days, next to a dock, swimming like crazy but never moving more than a couple of feet away. I can relate.

There are couple of important differences between whirligig beetles and Quill Gordon, though, besides the obvious. Whirligig beetles have two sets of eyes, one above the water surface and one below, allowing them to watch for enemies and prey in most any direction. The eyes are compound eyes and I imagine the final image must be pretty confusing, which might explain why they swim the way they do.

The other difference? When handled roughly, Quill Gordon does not smell like pineapples.

Categories: +Uncategorized, Humor, nature | Tags: , , , | 4 Comments

Eugene and the Dangers of Shatter Proof Glass

When word got out, a couple of weeks ago, that I was going to make the 30 mile drive to the closest thing we’ve got to a city around  here, my friend Eugene jumped at the chance to tag along. He must have jumped, although he could have dropped from a tree for all I know, into the bed of my truck just past Peavy Flat, where the road narrows and you have to slow down so as to not run over Purly Coutermarche’s dogs. By the time I noticed him back there it was too late to turn around and take him home so I agreed he could come, but because I didn’t want to get a ticket for having a passenger in the bed of a truck on the highway I covered him with a tarp and told him to stay out of sight. Continue reading

Categories: Humor, Stories About My Good Friend, Eugene, Vermont | Tags: , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Fish on the Wall

One hot August day, back before we knew computers could handle years beginning with “2”, Dr. Marcus Feely hooked the largest trout to ever come out of Fish in a Barrel Pond. The Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society had never hung a fish on its walls, choosing not to emphasize trophies, but Dr. Feely insisted. He even paid for the mounting himself and bought the impressive brass plaque that hangs beneath it, engraved with his name, the date and the names of four men listed as witnesses. Sooner or later, whether you want him to or not, Doc Feely will tell you all about that fish. Continue reading

Categories: +The Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society, Fly Fishing, Humor | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Disappearance of Ethan Allen

My good friend Eugene is shacking up this winter with his pal Purly, at Purly’s place, above the swamp on the far side of Peavey’s Flat. It’s a good arrangement now that they’ve worked out some of the logistics and division of duties. For example, Purly does the cooking now which has significantly reduced the number of grease fires. Eugene does the washing and ironing has done well so far, although he has to mop a lot.

They are trapping beaver, mink and muskrat together again this season, encouraged by the great success last year of their line of Local Organic Hand-Crafted Artisanal ladies’ undergarments that they called “Beaver Fur”. Continue reading

Categories: Humor, Rural Life, Stories About My Good Friend, Eugene, Vermont | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Teach a Man to Fish …

This story no longer lives here but there are just too many links to it for one man to strip out and those Error 404 Not Found notices aren’t very polite, so you are seeing this instead.

The short story “Teach a Man to Fish … ” has been converted to e-reader format and is now available for both Kindle and Nook as part of Quill Gordon’s Story Time, Tales of the Outdoors for Anglers and Others!

The Blurb:

“Invited to fish a secret, forbidden honey hole, Quill Gordon can’t resist. Rigging up his favorite antique rod, he envisions delicate casts to difficult fish, but when he arrives he finds that not everyone shares his definition of ‘sport’. Featuring Quill’s unusual friend, Eugene, and Eugene’s unusual fishing methods, an early version of this humorous short story first appeared on the blog The View from Fish in a Barrel Pond in September of 2009.”

The Links:

“Teach a Man to Fish … ” for Kindle (Amazon)

“Teach a Man to Fish … ” for Nook (Barnes & Noble)

The Cover

teach a man cover2compressed

Categories: Fly Fishing, Humor, Stories About My Good Friend, Eugene | Tags: , , , , , | 9 Comments

My Friend, Eugene, and the Medicinal Bear Parts

Word spread a few years ago that the price for bear spleens and gall bladders was way up, due to a renewed interest in Eastern medicine. My friend, Eugene, and his buddy Purly Coutermarche joined forces, determined to cash in on some of that action.

Their first foray into the medicinal quality animal parts market was a complicated affair and involved hiring a pack of hounds as well as crossing state lines. It began with Eugene and Purly following five dogs, at a full run, across two streams, over a hill and through a half mile long bramble patch and that is where it ended, with Eugene catching his breath and having a smoke while he waited for Purly to catch up. Together they sat and listened to another man’s dogs fade into the distance somewhere in the next county and together they sneaked away before that man could find out what had happened. Continue reading

Categories: Humor, Stories About My Good Friend, Eugene | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Fishing Hurts

Certain aspects of fly fishing confound even those familiar with the sport and no one, especially the uninitiated, needs me mucking things up trying to explain them. A quick search of the internet will reveal plenty of sources to confuse you better than I ever could but there is one important concept that is pivotal to this tale – the waving of a rod, causing a length of line to go forward and back.

The forward part of the cast is generally not very dangerous except, indirectly, to the occasional fish. The backward portion, however, tends to be somewhat more problematic. Concentrating on what is in front of him, a fisherman will sometimes lose track of where his line and the sharp, pointy hook attached to it are going, often with unintended consequences.

Ron Hogan is such a fisherman and his sloppy back cast is chronic. Continue reading

Categories: +The Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society, Fly Fishing, Humor | Tags: , , , | 17 Comments

Ice, Ice, Baby

  
When it comes to brutal winter weather, one can embrace it, endure it or leave. Those who choose to embrace and endure call themselves things like the “Frozen Chosen” and remind each other that at least the mosquitoes and summer people are gone. The residents of Frostbite Falls will talk back to the television, saying, “That’s nothing!” when they see a national news story about a major city suffering through a cold snap. The good folks of Hypothermia Junction never see themselves on the national news when it’s cold there, because it’s always cold this time of year. Continue reading

Categories: Humor, nature, Rural Life, Vermont | Tags: , , , , | 11 Comments

A Very Eugene Holiday Tale

(Some readers may not be familiar with my friend, Eugene. They can read about a hunting trip we once took together in Careful With That Ax, Eugene and see his artistic abilities in A Craft Project With My Friend, Eugene.)

If Happy Hour at the Holiday Inn, with a beefed-up buffet and lots of festive decorations, counts as a company Christmas party and tequila counts as holiday cheer, Eugene left the company Christmas party filled with holiday cheer. As company parties go, it wasn’t bad. At least, that is, until they fired up the karaoke machine. Continue reading

Categories: Humor, Stories About My Good Friend, Eugene | Tags: , , , , | 11 Comments

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