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Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Quill Gordon’s recent post “I Hear the Fishing’s Been Pretty Good” included a photo of a less than clean bathroom floor, which he believed to have been peed upon. Several individuals (none of whom were suspected to be the pee-ers in question) have suggested that this may not have been the case. In the interest of fairness we have given their theory careful consideration and feel obligated to admit that perhaps someone did not actually pee directly on the floor.

We agree it is entirely possible that a group of men, over the course of several days, merely splashed or dribbled on the floor. Then, maybe, they stepped in those splashes and dribbles and the dirt from their shoes mixed with those dribbles to form “a little mud” which someone forgot to clean up by throwing down a towel and swishing it around with their foot. It has been further suggested that “Quill Gordon should lighten up and stop sounding like my wife.”

Accepting the theory of splashes and dribbles, we regret the implication that the floor had been directly peed upon.

~The Editor

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Winter’s stark grays softened beneath a gauzy green veil as spring returned to the slopes of Nonesuch Mountain. A last toast to winter drained the dregs of that bitter keg so I took up the cup of spring with a nod to the transition of season, acknowledging an important milestone along our planet’s annual journey around the sun. I lifted the vernal chalice to my lips as for a kiss, and imbibed the essence of the season with intemperate relish as spring flowed like syrup, at its own leisurely pace.

Another cup appeared, brimming with the prospect of the return of anglers to Fish in a Barrel Pond, top shelf stuff, and you know I simply couldn’t resist. But I took a wide stance and held onto my hat as I quaffed because, Dear Readers, drinking from that vessel is like drinking from a damn fire hose.

ice monday

Monday, April 22

Two clocks ticked. One counted down to ice-out, which simply happens when it happens, the other counted down to Opening Day, which, by the rules of the Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society, is the last Saturday in April. Always has been and always will be. There is not a thing I can do about ice-out but I returned the phone calls anyway, trying to sound folksy in hopes of seeming profound and offering assurances that the ice would be gone by the time Opening Day rolled around.

Ten days out, water flowed through the lines to all but one of the camps. Some of them even had water that was hot. A group of dedicated volunteers spent the blustery Saturday before opening swatting at cobwebs and evicting woodland creatures from beneath the beds, which was a tremendous help with less than a week to go, but when the phone started ringing again on Monday no one was interested in exciting tales involving possums and dust pans or weasels and brooms. All anyone wanted to know was if the ice would be gone by the weekend.

ice tuesday

Tuesday, April 23

On Tuesday, nobody wanted to hear how the needle on the water meter kept spinning even though every spigot in the place was closed. They only wanted to know if they’d be able to fish on Saturday and had absolutely no interest in the the highly scientific method used to find the leak in a buried line, which is too bad because sinkhole formation can be quite fascinating.

excavator

Three cheers for a tanned, handsome man named Dale with an excavator and a few hours available to help make things right.

ice tuesday2

Tuesday, April 23

No one asked if the transformer by the road hummed and lights in the valley went brown when the toaster in the Parmachene Belle was plugged in. They didn’t care if the lights went out, just as long as the ice did, and they wanted me to tell them when, exactly, that would be. Never mind the fact that if I could make predictions like that I wouldn’t be doing what I do for a living but, thanks to two electricians named Mike and Bruce, the Parmachene Belle did not burst into flames.

ice wednesday

Wednesday, April 24, 8:30 a.m.

One would think there might be some value to the story of my struggle to remove a blown water heater element in the Cahill but all anyone wanted to know was the condition of the ice on the lake. They did not want to hear how a standard element wrench didn’t do the trick, even when I muckled onto it with the largest slip-joint pliers I own and I never even got to tell the part where I took a hammer and swung it at the pliers, methodically smashing each finger on my left hand, one at a time. As long as the ice would be gone on Saturday it didn’t matter that I had to call in a team of experts with the experience and the know-how to remove a heating element that had been over-tightened more than ten years ago and was firmly fused into place. Using a pipe wrench so gigantic I thought at first it must be a joke, they said they just had to show the offending element “a little love” but it sounded a lot like cussing from where I stood, outside, helpfully staying out of the way.

ice wednesday2

Wednesday, April 24, noon-ish

The edges eventually gave way and the ice sheet was able to move slowly back and forth, pushed by the breeze. At noon on the Wednesday before Opening Day the frozen mass broke apart and by 2:30 the call of a loon was again heard on the lake.

ice wednesday loon

Transported by an ice floe, this large branch is now out there, somewhere, either providing shelter and food for aquatic life or creating a darn fly-snagging menace, depending on how you look at it.

ice wednesday branch

By evening, the ice was gone.

ice wednesday5

Wednesday, April 24, 6:30 p.m.

The boats were launched Friday morning and by nightfall the camps were full of anxious anglers. The tangy scent of wood fires wafted from the chimneys and laughter echoed across the lake, punctuated every now and then by the screech of a smoke alarm as the aromas of gourmet camp cooking filled the air.

stove

The next morning, as they have done for more than 100 years, the members of the Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society gathered at the lodge and waited for the first ray of sun to strike the summit of Nonesuch Mountain. Bless their hearts, it was cloudy so the sun did not shine, and who knows how long some of them would have stood there discussing what to do if someone hadn’t finally hollered, “Shut up and fish!”

And fish they did, all day long.

That evening, gathered around the old stone fireplace in the lodge, new rivalries and friendships formed while old ones were renewed but the general consensus was that it had been a fine opening to yet another season at Fish in a Barrel Pond. No one was electrocuted making breakfast, the lights stayed on, and hot showers were available for the three people who chose to bathe during their stay. The boats remained afloat (for the most part), the docks stayed in place, and all facilities functioned more or less as intended. The drains drained and the toilets flushed, the wood stoves gave off heat, and nobody reported being attacked in their sleep by creatures from beneath the beds, so I sat back, exhausted but pleased, and listened as I heard again and again, what a good thing it was that the ice went out when it did.

The month of May has come and gone and another season is underway at Fish in a Barrel Pond. At least one camp has been occupied every night but three, so far. The grass needs mowing, the wood bins need restocking and rolls of toilet paper arrive at my door in cases of 80. New projects appear on the list of a thousand things to do when time allows, while day-to-day operations consume nearly every waking hour. They come, they fish, they leave, and I pick up the pieces before the next batch of anglers arrives, just as others have done here for more than 100 years, although it’s a good bet that in the old days men peed outside, on the ground, not inside, on the floor, and that my early predecessors spent a lot less time pushing a mop.

floor

I’m just as happy as the next guy that the ice went out, just in time, although there are days it seems it couldn’t possibly return soon enough, but I hear the fishing’s been pretty good …

(Reports have surfaced of strange noises and odd sightings in the area over the past month or so. These claims have been thoroughly investigated by a team of experts in such things and, once more, no conclusive evidence has been found to disprove the existence of the Nonesuch Mountain Howler. The search continues.)

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So there I was, ready to wax rhapsodic as spring returned, but winter threw a hissy fit.

April2

Sap flow, which had been sporadic at best, slowed to a trickle and the sugar house on Bobo’s Mountain went cold. That’s the way the season had been, with a few warmish days and good flow alternating with late snows and unseasonable chills. Boiling one run to syrup and waiting for the sap tank to fill again might not seem so bad, but sugaring season can end abruptly and each run could have been the last as far as anyone knew.

To and fro it went (and still goes, for that matter), swinging from spring to winter and back, with the arch fired up to boil when enough sap was available.

from outside

skye sampling

Lovely in late afternoon, with low sun throwing long shadows through the steam, the sugar house on Bobo’s Mountain embodies the romance of Vermont Maple as friends and family gather for fellowship and a taste of sweet syrup, but the crowd thins considerably long before midnight rolls around and the last syrup of the day is drawn off. I’ve been but a helpful distraction, lending a hand at my leisure, but my friends Skye and Tina have been at it late most every day, boiling and bottling every drop of sap that comes their way.

101_0262

Well, maybe not every drop. After weeks of fits and starts the tipping point was reached this weekend and the trees could no longer hold back. This video of the sap tank overflowing, taken on Sunday (April 14) with Tina’s phone, speaks for itself:

It’s going to be a busy few days on Bobo’s Mountain! The official blog of Bobo’s Mountain Sugar can be found here, and I am sure a new post will be up once they’re no longer swimming in sap. You can also visit their page on Facebook here. They’ll be looking to sell what they’ve made soon, so stayed tuned!

**********

Meanwhile, back on this side of the valley …

geese waiting

fog

An entire winter’s accumulation of snow sits on top of the ice covering the lake, alternately melting and refreezing but not draining. Midway through April, a soft pliable layer of icy snow sits atop saturated slush, floating on top of the weakening ice.

layers

In the coves the ice will still support a moose but at the edge of an island it has softened enough that an otter has clawed itself a hole for hunting, bringing crayfish to the surface for a snack in the warm sun.

otter

The snow on the roads through the shady woods to the more remote camps needs some encouragement to go away so I chip away with the tractor, figuring that at least a lot more surface area is exposed to the warmth when I’m done. The banks just radiate cold.

road

Opening Day at Fish in a Barrel Pond is less than two weeks away. The members of the Neverwas Nonesuch Angling Society all hope the ice goes out in time but I have no control over that. All I can do is pick away at my lists and hope for the best but, gosh-darn it, these are fly fishers we’re talking about here so you can bet your bippy I’m doing everything in my power to make sure spring will be here when they arrive.

(See also, 2012′s Quill Gordon and the Nonesuch Mountain Howler)

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This young man is featured in an ad for Louis Vuitton on the back cover of The New Yorker‘s recent “Style Issue”. He can scowl all he wants but I think he looks scared.

LV model

We can’t see what he’s scared of but I imagine that, having shown up for a sailing cruise with a pile of fancy matched luggage and stylish shoulder bag, he might not quite be up to the good-natured ribbing he’s taking from the crew. I know I’d be tempted to throw him overboard. Stylish or not, Thurston Howell VI there just doesn’t fit in, even if (or perhaps because) he has a silly gold anchor charm hanging off his pocket. Personally, I think he should ditch the tie and go with something a little more casual, like an ascot, but thank goodness fly fishers aren’t hung up on style, right? (more…)

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In 1960, when the Outdoor Recreation Resources Review Commission of the United States Forest Service conducted the first U.S. National Recreation Survey, “off-highway motorized recreation” was not included as a recreational activity. A few people were driving into the back country with motorcycles or 4-wheel-drive vehicles but not enough of them to register as a population-wide activity.

Fifty years later, to say things are different almost gets it.

According to the 2008 Forest Service report “Off-Highway Vehicle Recreation in the United States and its Regions and States: An Update National Report from the National Survey on Recreation and the Environment (NSRE)” retail sales of new All-Terrain Vehicles and Off-Highway Motorcycles more than tripled between 1995 and 2006, with 1,034,966 units sold in the last year for which statistics were available. An estimated 8,010,000 ATVs and Off-Highway Motorcycles were in use on back country roads and trails during 2001-2003.

We sure do like our internal combustion engines.

In the spring of 1967, Outdoor Life featured ads for motorcycles aimed specifically at fly fishers, with Suzuki touting them as an environmentally friendly solution to pollution.

suzuki

(more…)

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The Weather Channel (not the National Weather Service) has decided that winter storms need names, in the same way hurricanes and typhoons need names. Blizzards and hurricanes don’t care what they are called but evidently TV producers feel their coverage is more compelling if we are able to somehow humanize dangerous meteorological phenomena, which is interesting because effective propaganda generally dehumanizes the enemy.

We humans name all kinds of stuff that need not be named, and I myself admit to the occasional anthropomorphic fit. A chicken I called “Tiny” was snatched away by a bear last spring and I once knew a tapir we called “Jim” because it was easier than saying “ear tag #P379″ but the closest I’ve come to naming weather would have to be “that awful cold snap in ’92″ or “the huge freakin’ blizzard during lambing in ’05.”

This most recent storm was given a TV name and many people will use it when they look back on this historic nor’easter. They got hammered and maybe it will help to have a name to shout as they shake their fists at the sky, but step away from the news and the roads and the towns and it was just more wind and snow.

100_7353

(more…)

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It’s easy to get distracted while thumbing through my old magazines, looking for something in particular. Mixed in with the mundane and everyday aspects of the outdoor life are exciting stories filled with danger and daring, told by those who survived them, offering a glimpse of rugged days gone by. Like these 1950′s Russian tiger catchers, restraining a wild beast with not much more than stout wooden poles!

tiger catchers

Brought to bay by dogs, this tiger was destined for a zoo or a circus and had to be taken alive. One man has a line around a paw and, according to the article, the tiger was in a bag and headed for the truck within minutes. I hope these guys made good money, because I can’t imagine grabbing tigers for fun, although I guess you never know. (more…)

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While away the Old Year passes, snow has drifted, up to most people’s asses, or just above my knees, and the flakes are still falling as darkness settles in, just a tad later than it did yesterday. With a long night ahead, and nothing to do tomorrow but move more snow, this is as good a time as any to inflict upon present to you a look back at the year that was 2012, here at Fish in a Barrel Pond. I do this not because I think you’ll enjoy some misty-eyed reflection but because, if I know my readers, some of you weren’t paying attention the first time around. I also know it’s the kind of thing that bothers Mike at Troutrageous! to no end.

January was nearly half over before the year’s first post appeared, in which I received a package from Sweden and shared another story not about fishing (See “A Package from Sweden and Another Story Not About Fishing“). I will post a review of the DVD in that package one of these days, but I’ll tell you now that I liked it and it was sent to me by an especially notorious character, Marc Fauvet, Master of the Limp Cobra.

(Speaking of cobras, the man in the Story Not About Fishing once tipped over backwards in his office chair, which is interesting to begin with because it means there was a chair that didn’t collapse catastrophically beneath his bulk before it had a chance to even think about tipping over. Four of us watched it happen but there was no way to stop it without someone getting crushed. Stuff fell off the walls when he hit the floor and the Styrofoam cups on his heavy wooden desk spilled their coffee all over his Important Papers. We wanted to help him, right then and there, but he bellowed at us to leave him the hell alone so we ran. He was still mad at us from the day before, when we had maneuvered him onto the platform of the big drive-on freight scale in the shipping barn. One by one we had stepped off, leaving him there by himself so we could see just how much he really weighed and we almost got away with it, too, but someone gasped when the indicator on the scale settled down, and when Robbie saw what was going on he flew into a rage. Now, it was a day later and he was on his back, stuck in a chair (the impact really wedged him in there good) between the wall and his impossibly huge mahogany desk, turning purple and screaming at us as we tripped over ourselves trying to leave. We were, after all, working for the world’s largest importer/exporter of exotic animals and knew very well that when something the size of Robbie goes down it is sometimes best to just get the heck out of there and let the situation sort itself out. We did sneak back in a few times to check on him before he finally rolled onto his belly and got to his feet, but we spent the rest of the day in shifts, one of us posted by the door, with a tranquilizer gun and a pair of heavy-duty winches. You know, just in case.)

The rest of the first month of 2012 included video of wind-whipped Snow Wraiths, litter bugs from New Jersey, a delightful poetic interlude, some interesting ice, a visit to the frostiest place I know, and I posted a piece about the pursuit of perfection on The Backcountry Journal.

100_5933

(more…)

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There is a bewildering variety of game cameras, or trail cameras as they’re sometimes known, available on the market today, and some of the most common questions from consumers regard the camera’s resolution. I would like to take a few minutes today and go over with you some of the more confusing aspects of pixels, mega pixels, etc.

I’d like to, but I’m not going to.

The resolution I am referring to is one I am making for 2013, and it is to use my game camera more.

One of the least expensive models at the time of purchase, it is very basic, but the first night I set it out it captured a few shots of a fisher snooping around not far from the chicken coop.

Fisher

Since then, it has recorded the perpetrators of unauthorized construction activities …

Evening Beaver

even under cover of darkness.

Beaver After Dark

(more…)

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Seemingly endless months of partisan bickering, accusations and denials, half-truths, gossip, innuendo, and lies have finally come to an end. The mud that was slung has barely dried to dust, and some are already hatching schemes for the next time around. Some are angry, some are too stunned to speak, and others would like a chance to catch their breath and clear their head before tackling the hard work ahead. A few small voices have even been heard crying out for a time of healing.

That’s right, folks, another season at Fish in a Barrel Pond is in the past. (Surely you didn’t expect political commentary from Quill Gordon, did you?)

**********

A fly fishing magazine left behind in one of the camps this summer had a section titled “Fly Fishing Dream Jobs” or somesuch nonsense. Since I hear so often how dreamy my job must be, I flipped through the pages in search of myself. At first, I thought there must be some mistake but a second perusal convinced me there was no mistake about it. Nothing but a deliberate editorial decision could explain the absense of Fishing Camp Caretaker from that dream job list and for a while I was a tad more than miffed.

I like to imagine there is more than one Fishing Camp Caretaker in the world and I believe he, she, or they would have been miffed, too, but then I gave it some thought and not only understood the omission, but was also glad for it. I am sure my imaginary comrades would agree, it would just jerk our tears from their little ducts, against their will, to see the looks on the faces of some people who think it sounds like an easy gig, after they’ve done it a few days. (more…)

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